We are rapidly approaching Valentine’s Day.
We here at Brooklyn Buttah do not want you to be sour on such a sweet day. This week’s post is the second part of my Love After Heartbreak Series. You can read Part one entitled “Naivety” here. What I seek to do in this series is to give advice on gaining the confidence to love again even after having less than flattering experiences while dating. I am only telling you all some things that have worked for me. My goal is to solely be insightful.
So it’s over now.
It’s a damn good 112 track and you’re also newly single. I took a course in undergrad entitled The Psychology of Love. This class examined the science behind falling in love and also dealing with heartbreak. The course taught me a few things that I will share with you all today. The professor I had was very much into what is called an “ABC” model. This model encompassed characteristics of the affective, behavioral, and cognitive variety. Some of these characteristics overlapped into one another. While using this model we would discuss certain emotions we would have during a given scenario.
So let’s take being broken up with as an example; a whole heap of whack emotions accompany such an event. As we would list our feelings of anger, sadness, betrayal or self loathing, our professor made it known that there is no way around feeling any of these emotions. Instead she made it a point to explain that the only healthy way to progress through any situation would be to deal with what is. What are the facts? Once you’re as brutally honest with yourself as possible you now have the opportunity to grow from the experience.
I’m a big supporter of taking some time in between relationships.
I think the interim between relationships you have the ability to become a much better version of yourself. You see, along with being honest with yourself during this process I find that it is good to seek knowledge in other places. In my experiences, I did a lot of reading. In my first real breakup where I felt hurt, I grew tired of talking my friends’ ears off. It wasn’t their battle I thought. So I began reading. I remember the first book I read that summer was called “Letters To A Young Brother” by Hill Harper. That book chronicled Mr. Harper basically mentoring a host of young men through email. He shared his life experiences with them very candidly in the hopes of getting them to see a broader picture.
What I took out of that book was a few things.
First off, I was impressed with a guy being that transparent with a bunch of strangers. Secondly I was impressed with his vision to not be afraid to document such details and have it published. Most importantly I saw that he knew he served a greater purpose in the position that he was in. He was using his insight to improve the lives of other young men who could still be saved for lack of a better term.
I realized that whether I was with someone or not, I will always have something to offer.
A breakup is only a microcosm of one’s life experience. Like Chris Rock Said once, “Hey, even roaches have kids!” Our lives mean so much more than who we are dating. Pain comes and goes. The time you spend single should be used to further find yourself and your purpose. Cultivate your passions. Know that no matter what, you have the ability to strengthen someone else. It’s like the defensive philosophy in basketball of helping the helper. You help someone, then in the bigger picture you have helped yourself too. Go through the experience. Feel what you need to feel after a breakup. It happens to the best of us. But at some point enough will be enough and you’ve got to realize your potential and work towards claiming it. The right thing will find you once you do.
These are my words and I make no apologies.
DamnPops is a writer and podcaster on the staff at SBM: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS and @NegroPPodcast . Also, subscribe on iTunes to the Negro Please Podcast and visit our website here!